I'm NOT a big one for doing things " just because " . Whether its just because others are doing something, just because society says so ,or just because thats how its traditionally done . BLAH BLAH BLAH .
I do things when it FEELS right to me ....IF it works for my family ..... and when its best FOR US .
This year that meant Christmas in September ...and not as in EARLY for this upcoming Christmas . I mean as in Christmas almost a year late .
WHY ?
Besides the fact that the normal dates for Holidays have NO HOLD on me ...even this is outrageously late for us. However, Christmas for me has always been about my little sister Patty . It was HER holiday . Each of us had one .......mine is Halloween, being born basically right on it ...my brother was born on Thanksgiving .....Patty ....you guessed it . Patty was a Christmas baby.
She arrived on the Earth around Christmas ...and 30 years later ....she left shortly after .
For the last several years of her life I was in NY for Christmas ....shes the whole reason we even moved back to NY and definitely the reason we stayed. We made sure if she was sick ....Christmas waited until she she got better . The whole world could wait for all I cared, because without Patty it wasn't Christmas.
This year she was in the hospital for both Christmas and her Birthday .She was getting sicker and sicker, her body and soul were tired ...and somewhere inside me I knew this was her last Xmas .
Hoping for the best I promised her just like I always did, that we wouldn't do Xmas without her, and would wait until she got home . I said it numerous times as she bounced back and forth the entire holiday season...as she cried on the phone from the hospital ...or from her spot outside on the stoop.
Its one of the last things I said to her while she was conscious and aware of what I was saying ...and even though she was on life support, intubated and unable to talk...she was able to nod and make faces, and I can still see her little face scrunch up into the awww sign that told me she was happy and relieved.
" Don't worry Pat ...well wait till you come home."
Except that day never came ....and Christmas without Patty was like walking down the aisle to find out your utterly alone . It was unbearable. Not that I let anyone know . But whereas I'm really good at hiding what I DO feel ....I completely suck at trying to fake what I don't feel .
Id rather NOT do something , then try to fake a happy face and force a holiday JUST BECAUSE .
I needed to be able to feel Christmas in order to celebrate it ...and it was an almost year long journey of trying . Week after week I tried ...and it didn't feel right so many times , that I canceled it time after time .
For the kids ....this was totally funny and it became a big game . For them Christmas came twice because although we didn't celebrate Christmas in OUR house ....we did actually go to my cousins and spend Christmas with them ON THE ACTUAL DAY .......so the kids weren't denied Christmas as people seem to think . They got some gifts from family ..saw the beautiful tree ...spent time with their cousins, and had fun .
We didn't deny Christmas or pretend it wasn't happening.. ...we just didn't invite it over to our house until Patty could join in the fun. That was my bottom line ......a slightly different version of no man left behind . If she couldn't come to Christmas , then Christmas would come to her .
This year I had to wait until she came to ME and let me know it was okay to finally celebrate it ....which she did in a HUGE way . She spoke thru John Edwards ...and the message was so shockingly clear it was like she was standing in the room saying it to my face .
So Christmas was in Sept , the kids had a BLAST ....and my sister was there .

