I wouldn't call myself an over emotional person ....I really am not the type to cry as my little ones go off to school but I wasn't really sure how I was going to handle the day ...I had a bad night with missing my sister...esp after coming across her old pill box and throwing out the last of the pills that keep her alive ...wishing they had done their job a little better .
Patches and pills with important names like Lyrica, Morphine, Fentanyl and Prednisone stared up at me from the now dusty box where they'd been forgotten ...as if in both shock that somebody would desert a powerful lot of pills such as they ......and shame for being unable to live up to their expectations ...such big names for pills so tiny .....prized for the miracles they can deliver ......but for my sister in the end ....so useless.
For as long as I could remember those orange bottles were such a part of Patty's life , that even holding them was unbearable , knowing they failed her ...and feeling like I did .
Things are so much quieter and empty without my sister around ...its a huge relief not hearing her cry in pain on bad days ..or watch her struggle to do things with hands and feet that wouldn't cooperate .....but its so lonely not hearing her constant chatter and utterly INSANE and contagious laughter on her good days ................peace does indeed have its price . The peace is hers, the price is ours.
So on Gabby's big day , I had a lot of regrets and their baggage coming at me from different angles . Not so much in seeing Gabby off , but in NOT seeing her MOTHER see her off .
I let Gabby sleep over her Nanny's before the big day . My mother being the polar opposite of me .....an extremely emotional person ...crying over anything and everything ...and first day send offs are very special to her . Watching my mother dress Gabby in her ( sinfully ugly ) Catholic School uniform , I suddenly remembered MY first day of school and even what I wore .....making the whole thing slightly surreal .
I also ran into my sister on the way into my mothers house ..as I was going up the stairs I got a very strange feeling that my sister was sitting on the steps ( smoking a cigarette no less ) and I had just somehow walked THRU her . I even heard her voice CLEAR AS DAY say " HI SUE " . It was so real I actually said "HI PAT" just like I had a million times over the many years I had stepped over her or around her to get into my mothers house .
Of course she was there , her little girl was about to start her first day of school .
As they say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step . This is the same step Gabbys mother and I took over 20 years ago ....holding onto that same hand in front of that same house. Now its Gabbys turn , and I hope when she looked back at me ....she saw both her Mother and I sending her off .