The Story of My Life

THE FABULOUS FIVE

That I brought to the park all by myself .......we all know how this story goes .

Luckily they were all fabulous , ESP Amreen . I really cant say enough about this child . I mourn the fact that shes not Alexs age anymore , and I truly miss the living SHYTE out of the toddler she once was.......but shes such a soulful , deep , sweet child I'm amazed by her everyday .

Shes just so good ...making my job with the girls so much easier ... one of those rare children who not only is good with little kids , but truly enjoys taking on a parenting role , and really just works tirelessly to  please others. She just somehow knows what I need , before EVEN I KNOW . Its incredible .

NOW HER SISTER TAREEN ....totally opposite . Its actually funny how different they are . Tareen is one of those WAY too smart for their age children , who tests every limit, pushes every button , and has an answer for everything...all the while listening to NOTHING AND NOBODY . Her personality is so big it just pours out of her.

She has utterly floored me at times with things shes done or said that just seem too advanced for her. She loves Amreen so much , but has her own cheeky way of showing it which of course rubs Amreen the wrong way, and drives her crazy . One day they are going to make a hell of a team , and be the ultimate compliment to each other , but for now its like oil and water .

She utterly cracked me up with the way she would instantly throw on a pose , the minute the camera pointed her way . AT SEVEN SHE KNOWS HOW TO WORK THE CAMERA ...and I mean WORK IT .

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES WITH FOUR OUT OF FIVE LOOKING AT THE CAMERA , AND LITTLE NUMBER FIVE HAVING A FIT ....WHILE FOUR AND THREE HOLD ONTO HER !

HAHAH!  It was even cuter in person ! 

CAMP MACCREADY CAME CALLING .

My past has caught up to me ....but in the most amazing way, and I cant help but think Patty had something to do with this . I had a really tough time this past week with losing her, maybe because shes closer than ever, but no matter how close she is now, shes still completely out of my reach ...something that is eating away at me.

They say that time heals all wounds . I personally have not found this to be true, but what I have found is that it TRIES . However, while time is trying to heal wounds, GRIEF is working against it , trying to reopen old wounds.

So even as TIME stitches you up , sets you on your feet and sends you on your way with a little package of confidence that you will get thru this ..... GRIEF comes running up behind you , grabs you by the neck, and rips you all back open .

How much spills out - is up to you . A lot of people become so infected with GRIEF they turn on themselves ....helping to rip their own wounds open, and usually creating new ones . TIME stands by patiently, but sighs sadly .

Eventually after enough of these battles a scar forms ....but scars are only visible proof of unmeasured damage.  Scars are only reminders you've fought a battle, they don't help you win or lose .

Ive been losing this week . Badly . So much so Ive been afraid to drive in the car as thats where grief usually attacks me relentlessly. Despite the fact I'm going 65 miles an hour, it seems to have no trouble keeping up . Patty helps me fight ...she sends me songs to show her presence, but driving a car, while fighting grief, and all of it thru swollen eyes and non stop tears isn't the easiest thing .

I am fighting though , and refusing to turn on myself, though trust me the urge is there. This week Patty sent me more than songs. She sent me people. People who meant the absolute WORLD to both of us . People who shared in the most amazing experience with both of us .....people we went to " CAMP " with .

If you didn't go to camp TRUST ME ....YOU MISSED OUT .

I went to two ....but it was my second camp that was so special to Patty and I , it was never out of our thoughts for long . This particular camp is utterly magic . There's something about this place that draws you in and keeps you ...bonds you the land that its built on so that 100 years later you STILL want to go back . And people do . The camps been around for over 100 years and its incredible the way long ago campers find their way back. People from 50 -60 - 70 years ago , still so drawn to the land ....still so aware of its magic .

You cant talk about camp with people who haven't been ...but Ive been thinking about it a lot lately as Patty wished more than anything she could go back . As she got sicker and sicker , the urge got stronger and stronger . There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't say "hey doesn't that smell remind you of camp" , or perk up at the sound of a " camp song " on the radio .

I truly cant help but think she had a hand in the mini reunion going on now . The memories that are coming back to life are precious and priceless as more people join in and add to them .

There's strength in these memories ...strength in reminiscing with Patty's oldest Best-est friends ....with seeing pictures of her when she was strong and happy . Strength that slows down grief ....... SO even though it still rips my heart out , it can no longer throw it on the ground and stomp it into a million little pieces .

Makes it much easier to pick up and put back .

HERES GARYS SLOGAN !

Your Slogan Should Be

Its Better with Gary on It!

The Slogan Generator

OH MY . I DO AGREE .

OH WELL I MUST AGREE ! :)

Your Slogan Should Be

Sue. Uncommonly Made, Uncommonly Good.

                                                                The Slogan Generator

Whats your slogan ?

SOME FROM THE PARK AT THE LAKE

The Girls love this park .

Its right on the lake and has everything . Ducks to watch and make up stories about , several playgrounds , sprinklers , kite park , plane flying park , boating , biking ......its a really fun recreational area for the girls , and not far from home at all so we get to go a lot. .

Katey was so sad " her daddy " couldn't come and had to work . She was giving him one of her quirky signs of love .....this day it was tickles under the chin and a woebegone face .

Ive been playing with different frames ...but I'm not so sure about this one ? I think the black pops the color a lot more .

As usual Alex is barefoot ...strange given her utter obsession with shoes ....... I admit though I do just let the kids run around without shoes a lot ...you would never know it though by the amount of shoes I buy them ! Its sad really .......poor sad shoes . Nobody to wear them .

I totally spaced and forgot to bring the girls anything to wear for the sprinklers .......but they didn't let that stop them . So they ran and played and splashed .....and then shook off like they see our dogs do after a bath . LMAO .

This was literally 15 minutes later ...it was so hot out , walking around with wet clothes actually was a bonus and kept them cool enough that they would go play in the weeds " magical fields" for a while ....where I'm sure a bazillion nasty little field bugs found them magically delicious if the welts on their arms were any indication.

Soon as those clothes dried totally though.......back in the sprinklers they went ......

Of course as we go to leave much later , I'm thinking they'll dry on the way to the car . As it had cooled down considerably this did not happen. I arrived at the minivan with 3 soaking wet toddlers who of course were too hungry to wait for a spell to dry ..........and who I had no towels for .

Good thing I didn't get pulled over on the way home. I might have had a hard time explaining why I had three kids strapped in car seats ............ screaming for food .......who also happened to be totally naked ....and covered in welts .

Yeah that might have been interesting :)

SIX MONTHS SINCE A SISTER SLIPPED AWAY

........and I still find it hard to believe shes actually gone . I still expect to see her waiting on the front steps and hear " HI SUE ! " or hear her big mouth talking to Steve on the phone ...from next door . I cant go food shopping and walk down the cake aisle without feeling pangs of regret that shell never again make me one of her famous cakes .

Every time I take pics of Gabby it always strikes me how empty it seems without her making a fuss over them . I go to stores and ALWAYS see something I would have bought her, and how she would have squealed with delight . There's just so much missing ......

I still dream of her all the time , and I'm always shocked to wake up and find out shes really gone . FOR GOOD , and that unless I learn to talk to the dead Ill never again hear her cute little mouse voice .

She sends me signs ALL the time , she plays cheeky games with me in my dreams ....she suffered so MUCH in this life .....i shouldn't want her back .

But I do .

Some days I have the strength to smile and be happy for her that shes free . Today isn't one of those days . Today I cant seem to think of anything but all that I DIDN'T DO for her . I should have brought Gabby to see her more , but I was too afraid of Gabby catching a super bug to dare . Considering MRSA is what ultimately brought Patty down , my mind knows my fears were justified , but guilt is a treacherous road to navigate , and NOBODY emerges from it unscathed.

Me ...I emerged covered in blood ...both my own and my sisters .

Today is one of those days I'm really seeing the negative side of the harsh reality that my baby sister died in my arms . That I had to be the one to say ENOUGH ....she wants to go ...let her go .  I truly try to always see the positive side of it ...to honor her for her courage and for the battle we fought that night ......just the two of us .......but its both a blessing and a curse .

A gift and a burden to be there while somebody crosses over .

Its a story that needs telling , but one I refuse to tell with tears , and will wait until I can smile and see the sunny side of it . She deserves that . Her story should be told so her daughter can know her mothers courage .

Miss you mouse !

OUT ON LONG ISLAND

We took my mother to the island yesterday to visit with her sister who isn't feeling so well lately , and the girls had a BLAST hanging with a bunch of their cousins . They had so much fun , they basically ran off with the older girls and I didn't see them for HOURS . My cousin Angelica and her friend Shannon were BEYOND amazing . I don't think I ever have know 13 year old girls who were as sock solid as these two .

( GOD KNOWS I WASN'T )

They just about took total care of 3 of my girls for the entire day ...and I didn't even ASK them to...THEY ASKED ME . An unexpected , but OH SO pleasant surprise ...not only because they wanted too , but because I totally trusted them to . ( something NOT easily achieved with me )

GOTTA LOVE TEENS LIKE THAT HUH ? I'm going to have to get them something nice for next time we go out there . Any of you with teens , give me some ideas what 13 year old girls like ??

Here are some pics from my lovely day .

SHE'S GOT A POCKET FULL OF LOLLYS

Lucky for her sister , she likes to share !

WHOSE YOUR DADDY ?

Theres no mistaking who this childs father is !

Right from the start she was his little mini -me , and as she gets older its more and more evident shes going to be as gorgeous as he is .

Now Alex is more MY SISTER and HIS BROTHER .....I see both of them in her . She also looks like her Daddy but not as much as Katey .

Cant you see my sister in her face ? The big huge eyes and pouty lips ? Both of them are old souls , maybe thats where it comes from .

THIS IS WHEN IT HAPPENED

You know how it seems that one day your child is a baby and then the next they wake up and suddenly have aged or changed impossible amounts seemingly overnight ......and your left stupidly saying " When did all this happen ? "

This time I caught it AS it was happening . Kateys in the middle of HUGE growth spurth , and I dont mean size . Yes her face is totally changing , but its more in her personality . Her words are more fluid , her sense of humor is starting to fall into line with ours , her total awareness of the world is increasing , and her interaction with that world is VERY QUICKLY becoming that of a young girl and not quite a toddler anymore . She presents more as a 4 year old than a 2 1/2 year old with most of what she does .

Ill really miss my sweet " baby " Kate , but I REALLY love the little girl shes becoming.