The Story of My Life

MY 3 YEAR THRESHOLD-----PART ONE

I seem to need 3 years to tell the more shocking stories of my life. 

It just seems to take that long. I cant speed it up and I cant hold it back. 

I think its like a pregnancy and the story needs time to be born.... rushing will cause it to emerge fragile and not entirely whole, but holding it back is dangerous and risks an unpredictable explosion with large amounts of shrapnel. 

Three years is my emotional gestation period. 

1. One year to brace for impact, try to survive and grieve.
2. One year to acknowledge the carnage, pick myself up, shake off the shock and accept the reality.
3. Only in the third year can I move on. 

First I have to figure out who I am now with this additional chapter in my story and I have to move forward with the new me .....no matter how many missing pieces. 

Putting the story to paper and into words is the last step, in moving on and saying goodbye.

 

Once its down in words there's no turning back, and I cant run anymore. The words exist, the story can not be denied and my mind cant play hide and seek with reality. 

I have to look down and realize Ive been totally shattered but somehow reorganized.......in some ways weaker and in other ways stronger, but never ever the SAME. 

Its impossible to describe how strange it is to MISS YOURSELF. 

That girl you USED to be, the person you ONCE WERE ....before this happened, or before "that day"......before that fine line between what was and what is ...became so goddamn clear. 

THREE YEARS AGO. 

MY LINE BETWEEN PAST AND PRESENT. 

BETWEEN WHO I WAS AND WHO I WAS TO BECOME. 

BETWEEN EVERYTHING I KNEW AND EVERYTHING I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO RELEARN. 

Three years ago .........the universe got impatient.......changed course and lost the map which charted my fate. It was impossible to find, and had to be re- written. 

The same author, but now a different book. 

It was Mid March 2007 .

I was still reeling from the brutal murder of my girlfriend......all sense of safety GONE ....even going home everyday was an ordeal. I was very uneasy living next door to where shed been killed ..... I had a toddler and a small baby to care for who I was nursing full time. I was fighting SEVERE post par-tum depression and my little sister was dying slowly in front of my eyes. 

Every day something new taken from her until eventually she lost the ability to even hold a glass of water for herself with any sort of dignity.  

On top of it all I was REALLY PREGNANT AGAIN.............the ultimate mind fuck with the daily contrast between the life slowly beginning inside me and the life slowly ending in front of me. 

The times my sister touched my belly to feel the baby I literally looked down and saw death embracing life. It seemed a betrayal to be so full of life in the face of death. 

It was agonizing and almost too much to bear. 

I remember thinking it couldn't get any worse, and with those words I will give advice .......a sort of warning to the wise. 

Dont ever think it can not get worse. 

No matter how bad you think you have it now ....trust me it can always get worse....... DONT UTTER THOSE WORDS OUT LOUD.......EVER. 

Especially do not stand in the middle of your driveway kicking your car repeatedly and screaming at the trees that this just can not get any worse. 

The trees will bend and the wind will whisper........" just you wait and see you little fool ". 

The gods like drama, and they set the stage well for us to play out the scenes of our lives in the most dramatic way possible. 

I found this out the hard way............9 months pregnant running full speed through Jamaica Queens during some sort of stand off between gang members and police........while gun shots rang out and sirens completely surrounded me.......afraid for my life and the life of my unborn child .......but so much more afraid for the life of my  husband who had just been thrown in an ambulance with chest pain, a severe headache and his entire left side going numb.

Hell broke loose on my "lucky day". 

Though Ive fought most of the demons that were released that night, there are still those that linger with knives in hand stabbing me from time to time. Always demanding their two pounds of flesh, and always wanting it to be from the heart. 

I was so pregnant I was literally counting the hours until surgeons would remove the extremely large baby I could barely carry anymore. I don't remember where we all were coming from but the gates of hell opened up around the same time the driveway gates did. It was late, I was exhausted and barely able to hold my head up ...........so looking forward to just hitting my bed and contemplating staying there until my c-section. 

" Sue I think we need to call 911" - was my introduction to hell. 

For one very strange moment I looked down wondering if I had somehow gone into labor and was too tired to notice I was beginning to give birth in the front seat. 

That would have been a blessing in the face of what was really happening. 

Im not even sure who called 911, I just remember the way the ambulance pulled up and men jumped out with looks on their faces that scared the hell out of me, like they knew something I didn't. 

They saw me and seemed reluctant to come closer. 

Maybe it was the house........perhaps they too remembered what had gone on.........

AGAIN FLASHING LIGHTS IN FRONT OF PEACHES HOUSE.....the sirens screams mixed in with those in my head. 

Memories of murder and mayhem.....again people running around urgently...........again me standing holding a baby ......caught somewhere between fight or flight....and thinking call we add FALL to that?? Is falling an option? If I just fell down would all this go away? 

The thoughts in my head a mix of  .......is this real or am I on drugs.....alright WHO DOSED THE PREGNANT LADY  .........can everybody just drop the medical bags and reveal the cameras so we can have a good laugh right before I give birth right in the driveway.... !

That would have made for good TV, and the ginormous lawsuit I would have filed might have made me happy. But nothing was funny this night, and none of it a joke. 

Time again sped up and while still standing there dumbly, my husband was loaded in the screaming vehicle and taken away. 

Im not even sure I said goodbye. Though I should of. It was the last time I saw the man I knew. 

I don't remember anything in specifics, it all just seems hazy and unreal. They just all took off and left me there .....in shock holding my babies. 

I was force fed a huge mug of razor sharp reality with a shot of stress induced dementia .......all in the same glass ..... struggling to understand what was going on as I slowly became aware that I was standing out in the freezing cold with no jacket on....for how long ...i have no idea. 

How could they just leave me there? 

It was only the wails of the children desperately clinging to me that snapped me back in action and caused me to go flying next door. My mothers face when I literally threw the kids across the room and into her lap now seems comical......the closest Ive ever seen an elderly person yell WHAT THE FUCK!

But I had no time to laugh. When they say fight or flight they really mean FLIGHT. When you chose flight...............nothing stops you, you become super human and I wouldn't be surprised if somebody told me I never actually turned the car on but got it to move anyway Fred Flintstone style. 

This of course came in handy on my approach to the hospital, and the surrounding area. Now ground zero in a very dangerous game between the good guys and the bad ones. 

Previous to that moment I had spent the last few weeks barely able to walk .......looking more like a drunk duck than a pregnant human......with the "waddle" getting worse by the day. It took me half an hour to get out of bed and get to the bathroom........it should have taken me a month to make from the car to the hospital......but the speed in which I was suddenly able to move would have made the olympic US track team jealous. 

Its amazing what fear can do. If you think Red bull can give you wings .....try a glass of fear mixed with panic. Its like Rocket fuel and crack mixed together. 

The closest parking was BLOCKS away due to the danger in the area but I ran the full five blocks like the hounds of hell were on me......... and perhaps they were, but the fact I was running straight into the war zone and not away from it might have confused them.

I didn't care who was shooting at who, and what sirens were wailing telling me to get off the streets, I was so focused on getting to the hospital and finding Gary. I remember thinking of some Andie McDowell movie where shes combing thru a war zone looking for her husband.....something from the safety of my couch I thought was stupid. Suddenly doing the same thing, I understood and realized I would have walked through hell the same way she did to find my missing half. 

Comprehension dawns in odd places. 

If it wasnt for the fact that I was so heavily pregnant and in such a state I dont think they would have even let me into the ER, it was on total lockdown due to the police injuries. The guard who would have stopped me looked down, looked back up at me holding my stomach snarling at him and stepped aside. 

The scene inside was a madhouse ........................split between those who were there for the " suspects" and those who were there for the "boys in blue". Wailing and screaming, accusations and defenses being thrown across the nurses desk as if any of that would matter to the people behind the curtains fighting just to live. 

Nurses with barely enough time to get out of the way of my stomach tried to tell me I shouldn't be there  ......I heard it all in a very distant way as I ran bed to bed, pulling back curtains, shocking people and being shocked myself at the chaos and madness I walked into. 

I started to panic as I realized I was running out of beds and there was no sign of him, and every horrible thought that could have crossed my mind did so in an endless loop of WHAT IF ......

Please God let this be him........... Oh God no .....thank You God thats not him...took on a strange singsong in my head, until I reached a small hallway not even inside the ER proper. 

Right by the back doors where the half dead come in and in front of the room where they keep the really dead is where I found Gary. 

I wasn't even sure he was alive the way he was laying with the sheet over him and his lack of response to my calling his name was terrifying. It felt like it took me five years to walk five feet over to his bed. More praying and chanting as I inched closer...... denial protecting me in its strange way. 

The minute he opened his eyes I almost collapsed in relief. He looked strange and confused to me but at least he was alive. Sitting next to him on that dirty blood stained bed I should have seen the danger, I should have seen the warning signs ......instead all I saw was life, not what he was lacking.

 Looking back now I realize he was already slipping away on that cot, but all I can remember was such profound happiness that he was alive, that it was like I won lottery. Nothing else mattered. 

Even surrounding by people screaming as others died, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I found him and he was ALIVE. 

What I didnt realize ....was that he was also half dead, and our journey to hell and back hadnt even BEGUN YET. 

( but thats another story for another day ) 

THE SWEETEST PEACH

She moved into the empty dying house house next door and immediately brought it back to life. Before I met her I could hear her laughter across the open windows, and the all too often crashes of her trying to get her mini motorbike down the stairs ...mostly unsuccessful and more in the style of somebody who enjoys the crash just as much as they enjoy the ride. Despite the amount of noise she made I never actually saw her those first few days - although right away I dubbed her noisy laughing girl. 

When I finally crashed into her she was in her Pajamas walking down the street and although she was with a friend I took one look at the pair and I knew before she spoke that this was the laughing girl .....she had on bright flannel plaid pants and a matching bandanna....her personality floated around her like a cloak....... a bright tangible energy ....and from 6 feet away I saw the shocking blue color of her eyes, matched only by the intense red of her hair. 

We were friends before she finished saying HEY IM PEACHES and I blurted out HOLY SHIT YOUR BEAUTIFUL !  We both burst out laughing and I was so drawn to her I changed course to walk her home .....It was that easy with her......

She was always outside, always talking to somebody, always laughing and making me laugh along with her. Even in the fall when it started to get cold she still left her windows open and I could hear her constant shrieks of laughter float across my driveway. She was young and totally ridiculous, with a personality she could barely contain and a smile she could never hide. I loved living next door to her, where her daily humor made my second pregnancy so MUCH MORE BEARABLE......and her crazy life something I understood and loved watching her live. 

The day started out so beautiful .......but Its funny what you remember about getting bad news.......how it freezes time with its shocking power and can take you down in a split second. 

I couldn't have been more unprepared. Although It was Black friday I wasn't shopping ......instead going to find out the sex of my second child .....I  had JUST walked out of the Doctors office when the phone rang and my sisters voice made strange with the horror slammed into me with her message .....SUSIE .....PLEASE DON'T COME HOME. 

Thats when time splits...into the before and the after. I drove home like a zombie in shock and disbelief........sure I was going to pull up and find out there was a mistake ......I was sooo positive that Peaches was going to be sitting outside and greet me with her laughter. 

What greeted me instead was "the truth." 

The truth that was silently waiting in the outrageous amount of flashing lights and police cars parked haphazardly across the entire length of my block...as if they came screeching to a halt ....ready to run in and save a young girls life .......not knowing it was already too late.......

The truth that silently screamed its warning to me across all the seemingly miles of CRIME SCENE - DO NOT CROSS tape strewn all over my street. I ignored it and all the police who tried to stop me, barely getting out " I LIVE HERE " loud enough for them to hear .......My entire driveway filled with flashing cars and covered in yellow tape...once only the place I lived and now part of " the crime scene". 

The truth whose voice I heard  for the first time in the numerous police radios that went off with  PREGNANT FEMALE APPROACHING crackling a warning to each other as I walked down the street to my house.... and I knew the multiple cops who stepped in front of Peaches gate were there to prevent me from pulling a crash thru. 

I was too in shock to even try. Somewhere on that walk down my street, the truth got her message thru to me...and I knew ... .....Peaches was gone and in so brutal a manner the police even looked uncomfortable. The urge to run into her house to prove them wrong was reigned in only by shock .........but only long enough for her body to be removed, the police and news vans to leave and for a few days to pass.  When it eventually wore off it was replaced by a insane urge to face what my friend had gone thru .......to see if I could feel her there......and to honor her struggle the only way I new how .....with flowers in the tub she died in . 

It was a mistake. I shouldn't have gone. Im not sure why I thought crime scene clean up means they actually clean everything. THEY DON'T. It only means they remove the body and all the evidence. What they leave behind is the story ........no words tell this story......and none are needed. Every chapter shown clearly in the blood splashed all over her walls, and the drag marks on the floor .........the big pool of blood left on her bed told me more than I needed to know about how long she laid there suffering and scared. The smell of death was all over the apt, and accompanied by the buzz of all the flies who were probably first on the scene........

It took me a while face the bathroom and thats when horror hit me like a tidal wave ........the smell was so overwhelming I wanted to run, but I was frozen .....glued to the spot by the sight of the pieces crime scene left behind .......bright red chunks of the gorgeous hair I used to play with all the time...........now left behind as if they weren't once a part of her.......unimportant and irrelevant despite being the fact they told a very important piece of the story .......SHE FOUGHT BACK!!!! 

I stood there a LONG time staring at that tub with memories running thru my mind......and with her voice echoing in my head " Sue with those dogs you've got I feel so safe living next door to you " ..........and my voice in my own head trying to apologize to her and understand WHY I was home and didn't hear anything......

....... thats where the torment begins......everybody whose lost somebody knows that torment......this time much harsher because I was one of the closest people to her while she fought for her life....outside in the yard 20 feet from her....inside my house ...maybe 30 feet from her ......how the hell did I not hear my friend fighting the war her walls told me she did ?? 

It was in that bathroom that I felt the child inside me grow restless .....Alex kicking me so hard as if to say shes gone mommy but Im here ...take care of us ....and this isn't healthy ! 

..... it was the old age old battle of death verses life........staring at death but feeling life inside me .......and its what finally made me take flight. I ran out of her apt, not even hitting the front steps before the panic replaced the shock and the urge to wash it all away took over. I spent hours and hours that day in the shower trying wash the smell from my hair and the scene from my mind...... something not entirely possible. Not even now. 

Black Friday 2006 was the beginning of a few very hard years.....where tragedy, suffering and loss became too familiar to me.......in an unbelievable series of events that to this day I still cant quite wrap my mind around. But although Im in a beautiful place at the moment and am healing .....those stories still aren't ready to be told. 

Today is Peaches day...........and its time to let go and move on. Shes not next door, her battle is over, and I know wherever she is....shes smiling and laughing. Three years later her house is  filled with laughter .....and I again walk outside to see people on the steps and calling out to me from "her window". Ive been inside her house a few times but its still a struggle for me. Im very good friends with the people who have moved next door, the house has been completely renovated....however for whatever strange reason ...the tub my girlfriend died in was left in place. Last time I went up I could feel her strongly in the hallway outside the bathroom, and my neighbors tell me strange and funny stuff happens all the time. I have no doubt its Peaches playing with their baby....maybe trying to teach him how to throw HIS bike down the stairs the way she loved to do to hers........and I know if I ever hear that familiar crashing of bike meets stairs .......Im in a place where Ill be able to laugh about it and finally say GOODBYE PEACHES. 

 

A LIFE COMPLETELY CHANGED. MINE.

I know its been 8 months.

 For those of you who have loyally kept checking and asking and waiting for me to return- thank you.

 I am back, but I am in no way the same. In 8 months since I last posted Ive lived a thousand lifetimes ..some of them in which a single day could go on and on forever in its sameness, and tested my sanity ........and in others I was crawling thru the hours and minutes slowly and painfully but with definite progress and the end in sight. 

In those lifetimes most of my progress was measured by the people who popped up out of my past to pull me, push me or crawl alongside me. In other lifetimes I was alone and thankful for it as misery needs no company. As always when the misery became overwhelming I was sent help by my sister......her knowing better than anybody that all of my strength and all of my soul lies with other people ...who came to my rescue and gave me back pieces of myself little by little. 

It took a long time and was insanely painful while at the same time being unbelievably amazing...much like birth of any kind is ...whether your giving it to a new baby or back to yourself ...and in the end it all was worth it. 

Every battle now makes sense and as hindsight is perfect I can see quite clearly that all of it was a LONG TIME COMING and WAY OVERDUE. 

Some of you reading this will have NO clue what Im talking about ....or you'll know bit and pieces of the story......seen cracks in my life that you knew couldn't be patched and would eventually cause my world to shatter like a long neglected windshield ......completely exposing me to the real world and causing numerous deep cuts in the process. 

For those of you that saw the writing on the wall and feel guilty for allowing me to continue driving faster than I should have, knowing the window that protected me was going to give way while I was full speed ahead and blindfolded.........DONT. 

It had to happen, Im glad it did, and I wouldnt change a thing. 

For those that dont know .....you will soon. 

SHES A BIG KID NOW ---------dammit.

Im not one of those mothers that hopes and prays her kids will potty train soon, fast or whatever. I never really even considered what to do about it ....just figuring nature will take its course and they would let me know when they were ready for me to help them.

For Katey - that was this week ( OCT 1st to be exact ) ...and I was so completely unprepared. I actually tried to talk her out of it but she begged and pleaded with me to let her go on the potty because she was a big girl now and big girls don't wear diapers.

( Imagine my shocked face kinda going WTH just happened?? Didn't I just give birth to you .....like LAST WEEK ???)

The potty wars took on a whole new meaning in MY house .

OF COURSE I LOST ....going grudgingly to the store where Kate got her own very Dora potty with Dora pull ups ....her skipping in aisles literally shouting she was a big girl .... me snarling at every moron who thought that was a good thing ....not understanding how they could be looking at my BABY and be encouraging her to grow up ....going so far as TO MENTION SHE WAS READY FOR SCHOOL !

If I wasn't holding onto that Dora potty with a death grip (secretly trying to kill it of course ) .... Im quite sure I would have ripped some of those happy faces right off their owners heads and left them right there among the tattered remains of all the pull up boxes I had already vented some frustration on. 

( Some Target employee somewhere is going ...OH SO THATS WHAT HAPPENED ....we thought maybe an angry bear had gotten tangled up in the pull ups or something)

Close guys ....a momma bear had to fight off the pulls up coming to claim her child ......

 

 

OBVIOUSLY THE PULL UPS WON .

 

3 GIRLS AND THEIR DOG

DONT VOTE !!!! PLEASE DONT VOTE !

Unless you actually care about stuff......then you have to get off your ass and vote.

HER FIRST DOG BITE

I'm sure as it was with me, in a lifetime of caring for animals this is only the first of many, and as I expected she took it like a champ, more concerned for the dog than for herself.

I didn't see it happen, but I heard it .  Bailey Girl has a horrible ear infection which for years has been coming and going. If you touch her ears the wrong way she yelps and jumps up. Alex loves to go lay on the dogs, roll on them, love on them with a LOT of energy. Simba is very tolerant of this, and for a dog her size, she is impossibly gentle with Alex. Bailey Girl is more of a dog that doesn't like to sit still with the kids...shell run around forever playing, but when shes laying down she really wants to be treated gently.

Shes not an aggressive dog at all, by any means , but she will warn Alex with a growl when its time to move off, or when shes hurting her . Usually she likes to hide under the bed but lately Alex has been following her under there. I think Alex startled her out of a deep sleep by grabbing her ears , she yelped and whipped her head around thinking it was Simba messing with her,and Alex's face just got in the way of her teeth.

Alex cried a little , and I picked her up to wash the cut off ...but she instantly wanted to get down to go hug Bailey and make sure the dog was okay...and it was amazing to watch.

NO FEAR ..even after she caught a bloody face. She went right over, hugged and kissed her ...Bailey knew she did something wrong as her little ears were all down and her face has that stressed look. She said sorry a million times over to Alex on her back little paws in the air.

It was a lesson ....and its going to happen. Even the nicest dogs bite sometimes . Dogs use their teeth as humans use their hands . We favor big dogs in this house ...we take in strays...we rescue the unwanted...fleas, claws ...nasty or nice. They find their way to our door and we take care of them.

Up until last year I had a wolf hyred I brought down from Maine . One of the most amazing animals I ever had. She died in my arms, loyal and fierce until her last minute...and I never worried about the kids around her.

I want my girls to have that love for all animals ...and with that comes teaching them to accept the bites along with the licks. I teach all my animals from the minute I get them  "the rules" ........every dog Ive ever had was WELL trained . I think there is nothing worse than an untrained dog. I watch Ceasar Milan in HORROR at what some people let their dogs get away with.

But even well trained dogs can bite. Bailey is exceptionally well trained ...a Border Collie/ Blue Heeler Mix who was trained with me under the best Texas had to offer . She knows words, hand signals and even what different facial looks Im giving her.

However, the kids too have to learn how to handle animals...even their own.....and even at this age. Looks like its time to start training them together.

CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER

I'm NOT a big one for doing things " just because " . Whether its just because others are doing something, just because society says so ,or just because thats how its traditionally done . BLAH BLAH BLAH .

I do things when it FEELS right to me ....IF it works for my family ..... and when its best FOR US .

This year that meant Christmas in September ...and not as in EARLY for this upcoming Christmas . I mean as in Christmas almost a year late .

WHY ?

Besides the fact that the normal dates for Holidays have NO HOLD on me ...even this is outrageously late for us. However, Christmas for me has always been about my little sister Patty . It was HER holiday . Each of us had one .......mine is Halloween, being born basically right on it ...my brother was born on Thanksgiving .....Patty ....you guessed it . Patty was a Christmas baby.

She arrived on the Earth around Christmas ...and 30 years later ....she left shortly after .

For the last several years of her life I was in NY for Christmas ....shes the whole reason we even moved back to NY and definitely the reason we stayed. We made sure if she was sick ....Christmas waited until she she got better . The whole world could wait for all I cared, because without Patty it wasn't Christmas.

This year she was in the hospital for both Christmas and her Birthday .She was getting sicker and sicker, her body and soul were tired ...and somewhere inside me I knew this was her last Xmas .

Hoping for the best I promised her just like I always did, that we wouldn't do Xmas without her, and would wait until she got home . I said it numerous times as she bounced back and forth the entire holiday season...as she cried on the phone from the hospital ...or from her spot outside on the stoop.

Its one of the last things I said to her while she was conscious and aware of what I was saying ...and even though she was on life support, intubated and unable to talk...she was able to nod and make faces, and I can still see her little face scrunch up into the awww sign that told me she was happy and relieved. 

" Don't worry Pat ...well wait till you come home."

Except that day never came ....and Christmas without Patty was like walking down the aisle to find out your utterly alone . It was unbearable. Not that I let anyone know . But whereas I'm really good at hiding what I DO feel ....I completely suck at trying to fake what I don't feel .

Id rather NOT do something , then try to fake a happy face and force a holiday JUST BECAUSE .

I needed to be able to feel Christmas in order to celebrate it ...and it was an almost year long journey of trying . Week after week I tried ...and it didn't feel right so many times , that I canceled it time after time .

For the kids ....this was totally funny and it became a big game . For them Christmas came twice because although we didn't celebrate Christmas in OUR house ....we did actually go to my cousins and spend Christmas with them ON THE ACTUAL DAY .......so the kids weren't denied Christmas as people seem to think . They got some gifts from family ..saw the beautiful tree ...spent time with their cousins, and had fun .

We didn't deny Christmas or pretend it wasn't happening.. ...we just didn't invite it over to our house until Patty could join in the fun.  That was my bottom line ......a slightly different version of no man left behind . If she couldn't come to Christmas , then Christmas would come to her .

This year I had to wait until she came to ME and let me know it was okay to finally celebrate it ....which she did in a HUGE way . She spoke thru John Edwards ...and the message was so shockingly clear it was like she was standing in the room saying it to my face .

So Christmas was in Sept , the kids had a BLAST ....and my sister was there .

 

 

 

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas

And all thru the house ...

not a creature was stirring ...

but we hoped for the mouse .

The giftys were placed under the tree with care .....

but all we really wanted was for Patty to be there .

( despite the poem ...I know shes here now . She made her presence known very strongly tonite as I cried my way thru wrapping too many presents . )

A GIRL AND HER DADDY

He is such a good dad ..so involved in their everyday lives ... and they have him completely wrapped around their little fingers ....just like I did with my father.

Hes the only man I ever met who said he did NOT want a son ...and instead wanted a house full of girls ....who tend to stay affectionate longer, and closer to home . Although were now at three girls ...two by birth and one from my sister .................I dont feel "done yet ".

While I cant promise him another girl ...I know for sure there is another baby out there .....and although I was always really firm on wanting all girls aswell , I do think it would be amazing to watch him with his son . However, with three older sisters who are sure to want to help take care of him , I do think Gary might have to fight for time with his son ( not yet made or born ! ). Most people think of having the boy first , so that he can then watch over the girls ......not me. I think it would be a bonus having the boy at the end, so that he has a father to teach him how to be a man but three sisters and a mother to show him how to treat women and find that balance that will keep him happy, affectionate and OUT OF TROUBLE !

( and trust me .....my girls wont need a man to watch over them. Theyre mine and Pattys after all...and anybody who knows us even from the time we were little ..knew better than to try to mess us around .)

LOVE THIS ---YOU WILL TOO .

I LOVE commericals . I get them . If you can make me laugh like an idiot in less than 30 seconds I consider that pure genius .

MY ALLLL Time favorite was the Joe BOxer guy but this dude is running a CLOSE second .

FIVE YEARS AGO

Not too many words today , just thinking about my sister who came to me clearly in my dreams the other night . I have no idea what she was doing on a ladder outside my window , but maybe she figured it worked for Gary so why not ???

A GIRL AND HER HORSE

Simba Loo or " The Ba " as Alex calls her is Alexs best friend , pillow , jumping bag and most loyal and protective personal warrior . I feel bad for anybody who Simba doesnt like getting too close to " her " baby . When a dog this size gets started ....its almost impossible to stop . Alex is just starting to REALLY climb and ride Simba just  like her own personal house horse . Neither Gabby nor Katey really were into riding her ...and although Simba watches out for all the girls , her special bond is with Alex ...which is amazing to watch .

KINDERGARDEN CAME CALLING

I wouldn't call myself an over emotional person ....I really am not the type to cry as my little ones go off to school but I wasn't really sure how I was going to handle the day ...I had a bad night with missing my sister...esp after coming across her old pill box and throwing out the last of the pills that keep her alive ...wishing they had done their job a little better .

Patches and pills with important names like Lyrica, Morphine, Fentanyl and Prednisone stared up at me from the now dusty box where they'd been forgotten ...as if in both shock that somebody would desert a powerful lot of pills such as they ......and shame for being unable to live up to their expectations  ...such big names for pills so tiny .....prized for the miracles they can deliver ......but for my sister in the end ....so useless.

For as long as I could remember those orange bottles were such a part of Patty's life , that even holding them was unbearable , knowing they failed her ...and feeling like I did .

Things are so much quieter and empty without my sister around ...its a huge relief not hearing her cry in pain on bad days ..or watch her struggle to do things with hands and feet that wouldn't cooperate .....but its so lonely not hearing her constant chatter and utterly INSANE and contagious laughter on her good days ................peace does indeed have its price . The peace is hers, the price is ours.

So on Gabby's big day , I had a lot of regrets and their baggage coming at me from different angles . Not so much in seeing Gabby off , but in NOT seeing her MOTHER see her off .

I let Gabby sleep over her Nanny's before the big day . My mother being the polar opposite of me .....an extremely emotional person ...crying over anything and everything ...and first day send offs are very special to her . Watching my mother dress Gabby in her ( sinfully ugly ) Catholic School uniform , I suddenly remembered MY first day of school and even what I wore .....making the whole thing slightly surreal .

I also ran into my sister on the way into my mothers house ..as I was going up the stairs I got a very strange feeling that my sister was sitting on the steps ( smoking a cigarette no less ) and I had just somehow walked THRU her . I even heard her voice CLEAR AS DAY say " HI SUE " . It was so real I actually said "HI PAT"  just like I had a million times over the many years I had stepped over her or around her to get into my mothers house .

Of course she was there , her little girl was about to start her first day of school . 

As they say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step . This is the same step Gabbys mother and I took over 20 years ago ....holding onto that same hand in front of that same house. Now its Gabbys turn , and I hope when she looked back at me ....she saw both her Mother and I sending her off .

BOUNCE HOUSE CARNIVAL

Took the girls to White Post Farms for their Bounce and Splash Weekend ....and as usual I was really impressed with how they had everything set up . There was a circle area of all bounce houses , water slides , and all other sorts of inflatable slides for the kids . They had it set up so that there werent lines for the kids to wait on , there was enough space for everyone to spread out and the kids could just run all over and get right on whatever they wanted . In other words ...heaven for kids .

Thats Katey making it to the top of the big yellow ride in the background of the first picture . No small feat for one so tiny.

Inside the bouncy house ...I was trying to take this thru the netting ..not the easiest thing to do ..esp as I had Alex and was juggling the camera with one hand , while the silly ride bounced all over the place .

They also had a HUGE double ring area for pony rides in a gorgeous area that looked more like a resort than your typical pony ride track .

KATEY LOVED IT SO MUCH SHE WENT TWICE.

It was a really nice way to end the summer and start facing the reality of SCHOOL again .   

Kindergarden is calling .....but I really wish Gabby wouldnt answer !

SWIMMING SEASON NOT OVER !

Not in this house. Thanks to these amazing cold water wetsuits I had overnighted for the girls , they will probably be swimming until Oct !

It was smiles all around. Teeth did not chatter , lips did not turn blue and kids laughed and played instead of being unable to talk while doing the swim and shiver ! 

The Bubby did not go in . Sadly I was unable to find her a full wetsuit small enough in anything over 2mm neoprene .

WHEN IS A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE A BAD THING ?

When your baby decides to wear it .

This is AFTER a minor clean up in the car . I wont even go into the horrible details of what the car looks like ....I'm still traumatized .

I thought I was in hot fudge heaven when this all took place . I had my first one in AGES and I really was loving it . My fatal mistake was in thinking I could trust the girls with one ...my rational being that they're strapped in the car seats .....if I eat the top off of their sundae too ...it wont turn into a mess.

OBVIOUSLY THE FATES NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH .

You would think I would have seen this coming ....but as Gabby is the only one I can see while driving shes the one I measure the damage by . Katey and Alexs car seats are rear facing , and right behind the front seats of the mini van so I cant see anything they get up to .......I rely on Gabby to tell me what the two little ones are doing .

THIS DAY ......she decided it looked like good fun , and COVERTLY joined in .......dripping all HER fudge from the waist down where I couldn't see from my drivers disadvantage .

My hot fudge Heaven quickly became hot Fudge Hell when I opened the car door to get them .

LETS JUST SAY HEAD TO TOE - FLOOR TO CEILING - DOOR TO DOOR .

I'm getting ready to call up the Mr Clean company and tell them that their Magic Eraser ...isn't so magic. Hot fudge kicked its ass twice over , and I think they ought to send me a bottle of Valium along with my refund .

CHARLIE BIT ME !

56 seconds of the cutest English lads in the world ! I laugh even harder knowing that Gary used to sound just like when he was that age !

SALT WATER POOL FINALLY UP AND RUNNING

Of course the summer is almost over , but thats the story of my life !

After we went camping in June and saw how much the girls loved the pool , we decided to suck it up and buy them one . I really didnt want the hassles and maintance that a pool requires , but like most parents , I find myself going to extreme lengths to make my kids happy . First week in July I gave in and ordered a pool.

Its been a trial ever since .

Our first pool was back-ordered which Intex neglected to tell me , and after waiting almost 2 weeks , I found out it wasnt coming at all .  So now its mid July and the selection of pools is thinning . I finally find another pool and even with rushed shipping it takes a week to get it here , however when it arrives the idiots had sent me a COMPUTER instead and had to come back and rush me the POOL ......additionally my salt water system was with the OTHER order , and now I have to order that seperate .

I wont put the girls in pools full of chemicals so the pool SAT , and sat and sat in its lovely box while we waited . I also wont fill my pool with a regular garden hose as they leech lead and chemicals into the water but I didnt realize the local Home Depot doesnt carry drinking water hoses .....so it was another mission out to the island to West Marine to pick up a boating hose .........once we started installing the pool we realized the ground wasnt perfectly level and we had to take it down and re-level the backyard .

Finally AUGUST 4th the pool was up , filled with fresh drinking water and ready for the kiddos to break it in .

However, now my salt water system still hasnt arrived ....so we wait some more.

The system finally FINALLY gets here .......and the salt doesnt . So we run around looking for somewhere to buy 160 pounds of salt .

After a way longer drive then I would like out on the island AGAIN we find the salt  ......do everything were told to get the water balanced ....and no matter what we do we cant get the PH or the alkalinity balanced .

Now its MID AUGUST . AND IM PISSED ....i surely have much less hair after ripping on it all month in frustration and Im ready to cut the pool up into tiny pieces and feed it to the dogs for dinner .....

AUGUST 22nd ...the girls finally got to swim .

And by now...its so cold they cant stay in long without their lips turning blue .

 

 

Even after pouring a bazillion buckets of hot water into it , the water remained pretty shockingly cold ....so now Im off to buy a pool heater , and some wetsuits .

Atleast Ill have it all ready for next season !

Little Miss Social Butterfly

This child LOVES people . She waves, smiles and charms everyone . Its amazing to watch how people who are in the process of rushing right past me , do a double take and suddenly stop to smile or wave back ......some even coming over to chat for a few seconds and then go on their way looking like much different people than they were before the innocent charm of a toddler reminded them to slow down, look around and enjoy the day.